expectations and self-imposed pressure

The other day I read this amazing post about the pressure of being a small business owner. As I've been building my business I've felt a ton of pressure grow fast and be successful, but I've found that 100% of that pressure is coming from me. I have extremely high expectations for myself and where I want to be, and unfortunately have very little patience for sub-par work. I find myself feeling like I'm "failing" when the inquiries slow down and get frustrated when I can't dedicated all of my time to building to growing. The crazy thing about starting a business, at least for me, is that it's so hard to balance my work and personal lives. I find myself staying up until 1 in the morning finishing edits and emails just to crawl into bed to realize I never asked how Jack's day was. It's been months since I've had a day when I wasn't making mental lists every waking hour of the day, or since I've really felt like I could relax with my friends and family. It's an awful habit that I definitely need to work on, but I think it all comes back to the self-inflicting pressure of succeeding. So, for the next few months as I try to grow my business, plan a wedding, work a part time job, and make sure I give my fiance plenty of goodnight smooches, I need to remember that the world can still be conquered tomorrow.

Start living your dreams

Growing up, I never really knew what I wanted to be. Sure, I had dream careers - a teacher, an astronaut, and my favorite, a photographer for National Geographic- but when I entered college and had to think seriously about what I wanted to be, I was lost. I majored in international development studies, which allowed me to learn about world through a mix of different classes which I loved, but when I graduated I again felt lost because I didn't know what I wanted to do with that education. I went into nonprofit work, found out that it was not for me, and then jumped around for a bit trying to find myself. That's when I returned back to my originally dream of being a photographer. As I've mentioned approximately one million times on this blog, for the past year and a half I've been developing my professional photography portfolio. I've been offered unbelievable opportunities that have helped shape my view of what I want to do and who I am, and I've continually loved learning about and expanding my skills with photography. All of this to say that I am beyond thrilled to announce that I am now working full time on my photography business. It came to a point that I was overworking myself trying to build my business, plan my wedding, and work during the day, so I had to make the choice to cut something out. Since I was having to turn down photography opportunities because of my day job, it wasn't that hard to decide what to do, so I decided to take the plunge and dedicate myself toward pursuing my dreams. I always knew I wanted to be a photographer, but never thought it would actually happen. There are so many photographers out there and so many things to photograph that it's an incredibly intimidating profession. I thought that maybe when I had a family and more time I'd be able to explore photography deeper and maybe shoot family portraits or something. Never, and I mean never, did I think that I'd have a summer wedding season booked with seven weddings and constant inquiries about family shoots, portraits, interiors, and lifestyle work. It just shows how amazing it is to have a supportive and encouraging network of individuals who want to see you succeed. And I am eternally grateful for all my friends and family that have spread the word about my passion. 

On turning twenty six

As I mentioned in this post, the last year has been a wild and crazy ride. From quitting my job, starting a business, getting engaged, and planning a wedding, my 25th year has been one for the books. The funny thing is, I haven't really felt like a 25 year old for a long time. With starting a business comes a lot of responsibility, and in turn I've grown up and changed my lifestyle so much in the last year. There isn't even a thought in my mind on Friday nights anymore that I'll go out- weekends are booked with shoots and since I've never really been able to deal with hangovers that well, there's no question that I won't be drinking on the weekends anymore. I started taking care of my body- I've been plagued with health issues the past 5+ years and finally accepted the fact that I'm intolerant to gluten, no matter how much I try to deny it when I see an delicious pizza or cookie, and in turn I've felt so much better and have become more in tune with how and what I eat.

Jack and I spent my last day of 25 driving down the coast and exploring. We found this pollen-filled field and frolicked for a bit, enjoying each other's company and making goals for the next year. It was simply perfect.

Growing up is funny. Never in a million years did I think I'd be who or where I am today, but this past year has been such an exciting journey and I can't wait to see what 26 has in store for me.

Engagement Photos by Josh Gruetzmacher

The first thing I did when we got engaged was start reaching out to photographers. As a wedding photographer myself, I had certain requirements and high expectations from our future photographer, and I am SO happy with our decision to go with Josh Gruetzmacher, a film art film photographer based here in San Francisco. I had been following him on Instagram for months and he was so welcoming and easy going that I knew we had to have him. We had an engagement session in January on the most gorgeous day in Marin (seriously, it was 80 and sunny with no fog in sight) and we decided to go back to Mt. Tam to where we got engaged. It was so special being back there and I had a blast being on the other side of the camera for once, even though I was super awkward in the beginning. I can't wait to have Josh photograph our wedding!!

All photos are taken by Josh Gruetzmacher

A newfound appreciation for water

Today started off with a bang... literally. A water pipe broke in the street right outside of our apartment, resulting in an early morning wake up and no water for getting ready. It's crazy because the night before I was pouring out our tea kettle to refill with fresh water and I thought about how much water I waste throughout the day. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm not very water conscious, despite being in a drought right now, but it's not something I ever really thing about. I completely take advantage of the fact that I can turn on a faucet and get clean, delicious water to use to bathe, drink, and cook. Many people have to walk miles upon miles just to get buckets full of dirty water, and here I am pouring out perfectly good water that was just sitting in a kettle because I was being picky. I feel like it was a sign that this morning I woke up and had to carefully conserve the water that was left over from my water glass by my bed, and I felt a slight panic as I tried to figure out if I'd have enough water to brush my teeth and take my vitamins (again, two things that I'm so blessed to be able to do and take advantage of everyday). It didn't help that I stayed up working until 2am with the justification that that a hot shower and cups of tea in the morning would wake me up. Needless to say, it was not fun starting the day off in a zombie daze and in dire need of a shower (sorry coworkers).  Anywho, I'm feeling extra fortunate that by 1 pm I'll have ample amounts of water to wash my hands however many times I want and drink by the glassful, but from now on I'm going to try to be extra conscious of the amount of water I'm using and give silent gratitude every day for how lucky I am.

And now to end my rant, here are a few awesome links from around the web that I've been loving this week:

• These old photos show a different side to history and are a perfect example of the power of photography. 
• This Between Two Ferns interview with Obama is hilariously awkward, like they always are. I think it's awesome that Obama went onto the show and I thought he was actually really funny.
• This inspiring video about a brilliant boy from Sierra Leon brought me to tears. Not only has he taught himself how to created amazing technology from garbage (literally), but his outlook on life and how he just wants to provide for his family is so inspiring. Definitely a must watch. 

Film 03// Coming Home

A few months ago my three best friends from high school and I spent a gorgeous afternoon catching up after years of being apart and it was one of my absolute favorite days. We've spent the last few years separated by states and continents, busy schedules and different life paths, but as soon as we were reunited it felt like we are 16 and wild and careless and free again. Being surrounded by these amazing women made me forget about life's current stresses and helped me reground myself, which is something I needed very very much.

We started off at Hog Island Oysters in Tomales for some afternoon snacks and catching up, then ventured over to Marilyn's parents' house in Pt. Reyes. Her house has always been a safe haven for me, a place to escape when we were in high school and be free. We spent so many nights taking over their cozy cottage and even though it's been years since I've been back, the second I walked in was greeted by a feeling of comfort and tranquility. It felt like home.

I love these girls dearly and can't express how wonderful it was to be around them again. We each have such different perspectives on life and love, but no matter where we are or who we've become we have a profound respect and love for one another. They are my soul sisters and it's days like this that refresh my view of the world and of myself. I'm so grateful for their support and love and look forward to many more days like this spent laughing and loving each other in the warm West Marin sun.

my life right now...

But really, my life right now. Some mornings I wake up and I can't believe how lucky I am at the way things are unfolding. I'm getting married to the love of my life. My business is growing exponentially through referrals and amazing opportunities that have been presented through the most random connections. Exciting things are happening that I never thought would happen so fast or even at all, and I'm so grateful and in awe of how things are going. I know it sounds slightly boastful, but to be honest a lot of the times I'm just in shock and don't believe that this is actually my life. Like the fact that I get to take pretty pictures of people and make money while doing it.. the fact that I get to meet with other amazing creative minds to brainstorm awesome photo shoots, something I never thought I'd be able to do for a job.. the fact that for work I get to meet ridiculous nice people and spend a sunny afternoon photographing them so happy and in love... it just seems like my life right now is a dream. And I never want to wake up, because this is pretty awesome.

Looking back at 2013

It's safe to say that 2013 has been the best and most challenging year of my life. From quitting a horrible job in order to pursue a happier lifestyle, to finally feeling like I've found a career I love, to getting engaged to the love of my life... it's been an exciting and terrifying year with memories and experiences I'll cherish forever.

2013 has been the year of taking risks. After two years of sitting in a cubicle at a horrible job that made me miserably unhappy, I decided to quit my full time job in order to pursue something that made me happy. I had two months of unemployment to reevaluate my life, and this time off helped me recharge and figure out who I wanted to be. It was terrifying not knowing where my next rent check would come from, but thanks to the support of my amazing family and Jack, I was able to remove myself from a toxic environment and take the necessary step to making myself happy.

It's been the year of "firsts". This year has surprised me by handing me a load of new experiences, new friends, and new adventures that I never imagined I would have. From starting my own business to meeting my photographic idol, I've been blown away by the unbelievable opportunities that I've been blessed with. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be able to assist an amazing fine art photographer, which would open doors to so many other life changing opportunities. I never imagined I would be building my own business and have the chance to photograph one wedding, let alone two, and be able to learn from so many other photographers as a second shooter. I never ever believed that I would be able to learn from Jose Villa at one of his workshops and be able to sit in a room with so many other unbelievable photographers as their peer. From having my first "official" photo shoot in January to manning my own business with weekends fully booked with shoots, this year has been a year of tremendous growth.

It's been the year of imbalance. In January I decided to unofficially (read: made a facebook page) start a photography business. I book portrait shoots up the wazoo and learned that I could pursue this hobby as an actual career, but never thought it would happen so fast. I booked my first wedding through a random facebook connection, which started my journey of gaining experience in the wedding industry. I booked second shooting gigs and another wedding as a lead photographer, and before I knew it my weekends were packed with weddings and lifestyle shoots. It was so exciting and I couldn't believe I was actually pursing my dreams. But with all of this exciting new work on my plate, I found myself struggling to find a happy balance between building my portfolio, working a day job, spending time with my friends and family, and finding time for me. Before I knew it I was over whelmed and over worked, which lead to countless nights blowing off friends to stay up way too late editing. The few times that I have spent time with friends has left me feeling so rejuvenated and happy, and I know that in order to keep myself sane in 2014, I need to make time to unwind and relax. I know that I need to dedicate myself to my business and I'm so excited to keep pursing this dream, but I can't do it at the expense of my sanity and friendships.

It's been the year of new beginnings. In August, Jack got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. After 10 years of knowing each other, this new change to our relationship has opened so many doors to the amazing future we'll have. We've always known we were going to get married, but now that it's on the horizon and actually happening we are even more exciting to start our lives together as husband and wife.

I'm so excited for the new year and all that it will bring, and I'm so grateful for the amazing year behind us!

Holy Moly, We're getting hitched!

Jack and I are getting married! After 7+ years of dating and 10+ years of knowing each other, we're going to be tying the knot next year! We've been talking about getting married since we were 15 years old when we would day dream about our future adult lives together, and even more recently this past year as we started planning our not-so-distant adult future lives, so I can't say it was a surprise when it happened. I've dreamt about this proposal countless times, but what shocked me most was how surprised and shocked I actually was.

Leading up to Labor Day weekend I told Jack to plan something fun for us so we wouldn't be lazy bums in the city all weekend. As it came closer I asked him what we were doing, but he refused to tell me and said it was a surprise. Now, I'm sure you're saying "DUH ANNA OF COURSE IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN THAT WEEKEND", but I've thought that countless times before and Jack punk'd me each time, so I wasn't getting my hopes up that it would happen this time either. On Thursday, the day before we left, Jack called me at work to tell me he had to go on an emergency trip up to Sacramento because something happened with a project he's working on. He promised he'd be back Friday morning for our weekend get-a-way but all I was thinking was Sweet! House to myself for the night- time for Friends episodes on repeat, nail painting, and ordering take-out. No big deal.

When I got home from work on Friday, Jack was back and had packed a bag for me and laid out some hiking clothes. "You can wear this, or wear whatever you feel comfortable in."(Hint #2, but still not expecting anything.) We drove to Mt. Tam, where we used to come a ton when we were kids, and he told me we were going on a hike (surprise!). The weather was absolutely GORGEOUS with no fog or wind and you could see for miles. I immediately regretted my dismissal of his hiking clothes recommendation as we trudged up a steep, hot path for a half an hour.


We finally reached a beautiful area with a gorgeous tree and views of the city and Muir Beach, which is a significant place for us. We sat down and started reminiscing about high school, and Jack said:
"Look, there's Muir Beach. Do you remember how I told you I loved you there?"
Yep!" (Back story: we used to have "beach nights" at local beaches in Marin in high school where we'd go to the beach and hang. Totally innocent, I promise! One night he asked me what I was thinking, and I said, "I don't know, what are you thinking" and he said," I'm thinking that I want to tell you I love you." Awwww)

So back to real life, Jack looked at me and asked:
"What are you thinking?" (My hearts starts racing)
"I'm thinking about how much I love you, what are you thinking about?"
Then Jack got this serious look on his face and started his schpeal about how I'm his best friend, soul mate, and better half and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And of course, as soon as he started talking I start bawling. So many tears. I just kept thinking Oh my gosh it's happening!! He then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, and I couldn't stop looking at him and hugging him and crying.
"Anna, look at the ring!"
"HOLY MOLY! Holymolyholymolyholymolyholymoly!" It just didn't seem real.
"OH MY GOSH WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!"

Then we had a hugging, crying, freaking out dance party on the top of our very special mountain. And Jack says: "Okay, can I tell you everything now!?"

Apparently, Jack didn't have an emergency at work and didn't go up to Sacramento; he drove down to LA the afternoon before to have dinner with my dad, who's working there right now. He asked my dad for my hand in marriage then drove all night back to San Francisco. As if I wasn't crying enough to begin with, this set off the real waterworks. My dad and Jack are buds so of course my dad would have approved, but the fact that Jack drove all the way to LA and back in 24 hours just to have dinner with my dad was ridiculously romantic.

And then, we were engaged. We've been together for the majority of our lives and he's always been my person, my other half, my past, present and future, but for some reason, as soon as we were engaged, he became even more a part of me. We'd talked about getting married, but now we actually are getting married. It's hard to explain, but for some reason this solidified the fact that we really are going to spend the rest of our lives together. And I honestly can not wait.